


Look Right Through Me

by Westwardflight



Category: Eureka
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-14
Updated: 2010-12-14
Packaged: 2017-10-13 16:16:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/139229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Westwardflight/pseuds/Westwardflight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He is almost sure this is actually happening. After months (eternities) just existing outside of time, outside of reality and absolutely alone, this is actually happening. Maybe</p>
            </blockquote>





	Look Right Through Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LeBibish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeBibish/gifts).



> A massive thank you to blueskypenguin for beta-ing this. It is a much better fic for it. Any remaining mistakes are mine and mine alone.

He is almost sure this is actually happening. After months (eternities) just existing outside of time, outside of reality and absolutely alone, this is actually happening. Maybe.

“Explain it to me again,” Carter asks, massaging his temples.

He knows he is technically an hallucination, assuming he is anything at all, but he doesn’t feel like one. The thing is, though, he doesn’t feel real either.

“I’m an hallucination. Sort of. More like a computer virus in your brain and I can make myself appear before you like an hallucination. You were hallucinating, and because I am just that good, I managed to tap into it. I think.” He stops for a moment, and sighs. “Look, an hour ago I was watching the world flicker in and out of focus and entirely alone. Then I saw you and I wasn’t anymore. I’m still working this out.” He meant for that to sounds more lighthearted than it came out.

He very deliberately ignores Carter’s flinch. “We thought you were dead,” he whispers, sounding more broken than he has any right to.

“Yes, well, I wasn’t,” he mumbles, desperately hoping Carter doesn’t ask him about it.

He sees Carter draw breath, and panics. He is just not ready to hear what he knows Carter is going to say. And somehow he vanishes.

Just vanishes.

For a moment, he isn’t anywhere at all. Again. The world is just flickering and swirling around him - and it is terrifying.

Just breathe. Except he can’t. He can’t breathe.

And he doesn’t need to.

Right, he exists in Jack’s subconscious. At least, he is reasonably sure he does. It is basically impossible to certain at this point. He knows what is going through Jack’s head, he can feel what Jack feels and knows exactly what Jack thinks, so he’s standing by the initial hypothesis.

He can probably dig through Carter’s memories, but even he has boundaries.

What complicates things somewhat is that he still has a _will_ separate from Carter’s, and memories Carter can’t know anything about. He can feel that Carter wants him to come back, can hear him shouting.

Perhaps he is just an echo of Nathan Stark, pulled from Carter’s memories by whatever is causing everyone to hallucinate and he will vanish as soon as everything goes back to normal.

Just the thought of it gives him chills. Whatever he is, he is real enough to dread the thought of vanishing back to that other place.

It was cold there.

This is getting him nowhere.

There are much more important things he could be doing with his time. The most important of which is tormenting Carter. He needs a distraction and Carter is right there.

Being an hallucination, regardless of his actual sentience, has its perks.

He always did have something of a crush on Carter. The man was not unattractive even if he was basically a puppy running around wanting everyone to love him and scratch his belly.

So he amuses himself. He spends a lot of time shirtless, randomly appearing when it looks like Carter needs to be distracted. It is great fun, all things considered.

Carter, bless him, gets so flustered.

“Put a shirt on. For the love of all that is good in the world, put a damn shirt on,” Carter pleads.

Luckily everyone else has their own visions to deal with, so most just give him a sympathetic glance before continuing.

It just encourages Nathan, because he’s Nathan. Carter really should know better. So he flirts, because it is fun and it is easy and he wants to.

“But the sun is so nice and warm,” he purrs.

Carter turns bright red, but he has a thoughtful look on his face. “Can you actually feel the sun?” he asks.

“Not really, but I remember what it feels like.” He looks down and he has a scotch in his hand. “It’s amazing what you can do with memories,” he says, raising his glass to Carter before taking a big mouthful.

Carter looks like he has more questions; he opens his mouth to ask one.

“Look, I’m really almost enjoying your company at the moment, so please keep your stupider questions until later when I can pretend you are asking them just to annoy me and that you are not actually an idiot.”

His mouth snaps shut, but he does smile, so Nathan figures it’s all okay.

It is second nature where Carter is concerned. The fighting had been a territorial pissing match at first, but you can only save the world together so many times before you establish at least some sort of begrudging respect, which eventually becomes a twisted little friendship-like thing.

He kissed Carter once. They had just stopped the world from turning to ice underneath their feet, and had gotten absolutely smashed to celebrate. It was some ungodly hour of the morning, they were sitting in the living room in the bunker, and he pulled Jack close and kissed him. For a moment, it was messy and wet and hot. Then Carter punched him.

The denial, it was strong in that one.

Carter did apologise afterward, which was nice of him.

Nathan had tried to dismiss it as a drunken whim, but it never really stuck. He could live with it, though. He had been content to go back to flirt-fighting and touching Jack more than he should.

Time passes without him realising. It’s disconcerting. If he stops concentrating on the present for even a moment, hours pass and Carter worries that he is gone forever. Again. He emerges from wherever it is in Carter’s head he hides as Carter and Zoe are having dinner.

Carter shoots him a smile, but he doesn’t want to intrude. Neither, though, does he want to go back to that timeless place again. He finds himself at something of a loss. He needs to stay aware of what’s going on around him, but he doesn’t want to bother Carter too much.

He has never handled boredom well. It’s part of what made him such a great scientist, the complete inability to sit, be idle, and not poke things with a stick.

Against his better judgement, almost before he realises what he is doing, he’s sifting through Jack’s memories.

Jack’s subconscious is a lot darker than he expected. It’s so easy to forget that the loveable puppy of person that Eureka is familiar with has a failed marriage and a career as a US Marshall behind him. Nathan almost withdraws at the darker things Jack has seen, but keeps wading in, fuelled by some morbid fascination.

He apparently gets less subtle as he gets more absorbed by what he is seeing. He pushes too hard, goes too far, and Carter notices. It feels a lot colder, all of a sudden.

He is really angry.

Nathan’s never seen him this angry before.

Everything goes still, iced over for moment, before the world erupts red and swirling around him.

“Carter, I’m sorry. I never meant to- I just-“ and there is nothing he can say that will make it okay.

Carter won’t have a bar of it anyway.

He hasn’t cowered since he was 15, but somehow it seems perfectly appropriate right now. It is really not a good idea to upset the person who is your only link to reality.

Jack doesn’t seem to have the power to explore Nathan’s mind (lending some credence to the ‘just an hallucination’ theory), so, in desperation, he starts baring his own memories for Jack to see.

Reading with his mother.

Hiding from his father.

Partying at college.

Sitting in Henry’s office, feeling that maybe he had a future.

Working single-mindedly to make the equation work.

The elation when he made the equation work.

Meeting Jack.

Working with Jack.

Liking Jack.

Kissing Jack.

That last one was probably a mistake. But the moment is gone, and while he can explore Jack’s mind he can’t actually change it.

It does the trick though, and Jack seems willing to listen again. Probably shock.

It’s a close thing, though.

“When I don’t concentrate, I vanish,” he explains feebly. “If I’m not thinking about something, doing something, it’s like I cease to exist until I start again.”

Jack looks torn between understanding and anger.

They tread tentatively for a while. They know far too much about each other to be entirely comfortable, the knowledge of how easily they can inflict hurt is a weight that they just have to bear.

Nathan keeps reassuring Jack that he really truly only stuck to work related memories. It is important that Jack knows that.

Jack, and he really is Jack now rather than Carter, is still processing everything he saw.

Every so often he starts to say something, but Nathan looks at him until he stops.

Nathan expects the knowledge probably explains a lot.

Poor Stark, never good enough for his father. Never clever enough, strong enough, good enough. That’s why he’s such a workaholic. That’s why he is so cold. That is why-

In a moment of stupidity, he falls back on old habits and starts to retreat; because that is what you do when your worst memories threaten to overwhelm you.

And Jack is everywhere. It’s a strange thing to feel given he actually only exists in Jack’s head, but he is everywhere. He’s soothing and comforting.

He needs reminding every once in a while that things are different now, that he is different now. When you spend so much time in your own head, it becomes hard to judge. It’s a problem that has only gotten worse with this incorporeal business.

“Stark, don’t do whatever it is you’re thinking about doing. Just stay here, okay? Just stay here with me.” His voice is pitched quiet and smooth, like a parent with a restless child. “Focus on me.”

He thinks he sees a flash of something more than kindness in there. He carefully ignores it; right now their relationship is complicated enough without delving into Jack’s subconscious thoughts about him.

For a few days it’s peaceful. They declare a truce; Jack has given him access to some of his memories when he gets too bored.

Nathan shares his in return.

They bond. He likes it. It’s fun. It has been a long time since he’s had this much fun.

Nathan still enjoys appearing shirtless just to mess with him. Jack is truly adorable when he’s flustered.

For a while, he forgets he isn’t real; or that he’s real but not corporeal; or whatever his overly complicated state of being is. He forgets that he is only in Jack’s head that only Jack can see him, only Jack can hear him, only Jack knows he is there. Or thinks that he is there. Damn it.

Jack’s attention is enough to make him feel like an actual person, which is worrying.

He knows it’s only a matter of time before they work out how to fix the hallucination event. He doesn’t know what will happen to him afterwards. It is terrifying when he thinks about it for more than a moment. Whatever the outcome, it probably won’t be good.

The knowledge weighs on him in every interaction he has with Jack. He knows he should try to keep his metaphorical distance, keep Jack safe. What he is doing, the way he is bonding with Jack is only good for himself. If he goes back to the ether after the hallucination event, then he has lost nothing. Jack, on the other hand, will still be here, alone.

Well, perhaps nothing is overstating the case. Out of sync with the world, peering in when he can, with just the memories of this time is not something he desperately wants either.

He asks Jack if there is any research still being done into his disappearance. He doesn’t know, but he will find out for him. Alison will know, or Henry.

It’s strange listening in as Jack asks Henry about it. He wants to know why Jack wants to know, and Jack has no idea how to explain that he thinks the Nathan he is hallucinating might be the real consciousness of Nathan and he wants to help while he can before he fades away again. Both Jack and Nathan are aware of just how insane it sounds.

Henry looks doubtful, but this is Eureka. The impossible happens every day. Why not have a dead guy’s consciousness tap into an entirely unrelated hallucination event and take up residence in Carter’s head? It still wouldn’t be the weirdest thing that has ever happened here.

He promises to sneak Jack in, to let Nathan see the research and help where he can.

The look of hope on Jack’s face almost kills him.

It’s more than he had expected, but still, as infectious as Jack’s hope is, it’s hard to shake the habits of a lifetime.

They slip out of the bunker in the middle of the night, heading for GD. Henry is waiting for them there. They slip through the oddly quiet halls, chatting as if Jack was just coming to visit and in no way wanted to commit some espionage.

They end up in one of the smallest labs in the facility, and Nathan can’t help but feel a little hurt that he warranted so little effort.

“Sorry, Nathan, we really thought you died that day. The research is more about how you died, and the nature of the time loop,” Henry said apologetically.

“It’s mostly just Fargo’s pet project.”

“No, it’s okay. I understand,” he told Jack to pass on to Henry. “Can I have a few minutes to go over the data?”

Henry nods, and sits quietly, watching them intently.

“Stark, you think too fast. You’re actually hurting my brain,” Jack complains.

Henry and Stark both grin, because sometimes he actually makes it too easy.

“Look, you can tune out if you want. Just flick pages when I poke you and occasionally act as my human microphone,” Stark offers magnanimously.

“Shut up,” Jack grumbles.

“And stop thinking about Wonderwall. It might actually be the most annoying song in the world.”

“Oh, I am so sorry for having a song stuck in my head. Anything else you’d like me to stop thinking about?” he sounds huffy, but not overly so, so Nathan shrugs and goes back to reading.

He finds a series of equations that catch his eye. “Henry, have we actually tested this yet? It looks promising.”

Henry shakes his head. “None of this has been tested, probably won’t be for a few months, maybe even a year.”

His metaphorical blood runs cold at the thought.

“Not good enough, you need to move it up.”

“Nathan, it’s not my project, I can’t just make Fargo ignore protocol, not with Thorne around.” He looks terribly uncomfortable when he talks to Nathan.

“Yes, you can. You’re Henry, they’ll listen to you.”

Henry looks troubled, so Jack interjects, “Henry, if this could work, if this could re-sync Nathan with the rest of the world, then we really need to do it as quickly as possible.”

“That is assuming Nathan is real and not just an hallucination. Jack, everyone has been hallucinating people from their past. This might just be a really vivid one. They should stop once the signal dissipates, sometime within the next 48 hours.”

He knows it is true, but it still hurts to hear.

“He’s real. Trust me. Anyway, even if I am actually crazy, it has to be better to err on the side of not abandoning him to nothingness until they are ready to test it? Right?”

He still looks troubled, but Nathan knows him well enough to know that they’ve won.

“Thank you, Henry.” Nathan honestly can’t tell which one of them said it, it might have been both of them.

“I’ll need a bit of time,” he warns them.

“Any chance of it being done in 48 hours, before the signal is gone and I stop seeing him?” Jack asks hopefully.

“I’ll do what I can,” he says, but he trails off in a manner that does nothing to reassure Nathan.

It is a waiting game now. Waiting for Henry, Fargo, and probably Zane to work their magic. Henry doesn’t want to tell them why he wants them to move it up, just in case Jack is wrong and Nathan really is just an hallucination.

“Shove over, Jack,” Nathan says, lying on the bed beside him.

“Really, Nathan? I’m cheap, but I’m not easy,” Jack says, smiling uneasily as he moved to one side.

Nathan takes a deep breath. “While I am out of sync with the time flow, I can see the world around me, but I can’t engage with it. It’s just me.”

Jack rolls over to face him. “You sure you want to talk about this? I can go get some beer and you can go back to tormenting me with your truly amazing abs if you’d prefer.”

He couldn’t help but smile. “I won’t be able to do this if I come back. I know myself well enough to know that. It’s just the risk that I’ll disappear again that’s driving me to do it now.”

“Okay, then. I’m happy to listen until you’re done.”

“Dissolving is an incredibly painful way to not die. Then I was just there, with only myself for company. It’s really cold, Jack, being incorporeal.”

Jack nods like he understands. Maybe he does. Nathan is living inside his head at the moment; it’s not a place he would like to live alone.

“And I think coming back to reality, if I come back, is going to be hell. As much as I love having a connection to the world, after all the time alone, even you are too much of a crowd at times. At the same time, I can’t imagine ever being on my own again without curling up into a traumatised little ball and rocking back and forth.”

Jack puts his hand on Nathan’s arm. It’s not warm, but, at the same time, it is. Nathan remembers how this feels, and he is grateful.

“Do you remember the night I kissed you?” he asks, the words tumbling out of his mouth without his permission.

Jack doesn’t move his hand, which Nathan appreciates. “I really am sorry I punched you. I panicked.”

“So you punched me?”

“Shut up,” he mumbled.

“Aw, poor Jack. Am I being too mean to you?” he teases.

Jack pokes him in the chest. “Time to sleep, Casper.”

“A friendly ghost? Really?” he asks.

“He was the first ghost that popped into my head. I don’t know of any tall, dark, and snarky ghosts,” Jack laughs. “Now go to sleep.”

“Fine. Night, Jack.”

“Good night.”

Sleep is an interesting time for Nathan. He doesn’t dream his own dreams; he’s pulled sidelong into Jack’s. He doesn’t know whether Jack knows this or not.

This one is particularly vivid, and somewhat pornographic. Obviously the conversation before bed had had some effect.

This arrangement with Jack had been going so well. Of course it didn’t last. Of course things couldn’t run this smoothly forever. Sex dreams tend to make things awkward even when not being shared.

Jack is on edge when they he wakes up. Nathan chalks it up to nerves, and gives him as much space as he can, but, when you live inside someone’s head, there is only so much space you can give. And Jack’s temper is fraying.

He isn’t even sure what finally pushes Jack over the edge and makes him snap “Will you stop? Jesus!”

And in that moment, that rush of emotions, Nathan understands.

Jack is ashamed.

He is ashamed of what he dreamt about last night.

And that really does make him angry. Not at Jack, not really; he is angry at himself for doing this again.

Can he never just fall for someone without damage? He has more than enough for two people, and he manages to keep it mostly under control.

Just, fuck it. He’s done.

“I’m sorry my coming back from the dead is such an inconvenience to you!” He hit a nerve; he can feel it, Jack’s anger coursing through them, pushing his own anger further.

“You know what? It is. It is a massive inconvenience for me,” Jack shouts. “I can’t wait until you’re out of my head.”

“Speaking of being in your head, I can see all your dreams. Did you know that? I know what you dreamt about last night.”

Jack actually throws a punch, which was utterly useless given Nathan is only as solid as he chooses to be at any given time.

The fist goes right through him, which is incredibly weird, but only serves to make him more upset.

“Oh yeah, forgot to mention that bit, did I?” He knows he’s being vicious, but he can’t stop his frustration from bubbling over.

All he has is the memory of touch, the memory of a self, the memory of being able to talk to anyone that isn’t Jack fucking Carter.

“I know what you want to do to me. I know how much you want me. Did you want me when I kissed you? Is that why you hit me?” He wants to stop. He wants these cold, hard, words to stop; he knows this tone too well. He can’t stop, though. He can’t.

“Fuck you, Nathan.” His voice has an edge Nathan has never heard before.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” he snarls. “Me, naked on the bed, lying there waiting for you.” He lowers his voice, lets it go deep and “Oh, Jack. Please. Fuck me, Jack. Harder, damn it.” He hits the counter top for good measure.

Jack lunges for him and Nathan lets him, lets him grab his collar and push him against the wall.

He laughs. “Feel good, Jack?” He pops the ‘k’ and smiles suggestively.

“At least now I know how you got to be so cruel,” Jack growls.

And Nathan feels his rage turn hot. He ploughs through Jack’s head, pulling memories at random. Arguments with his wife. Arguments with his daughter. Criminals he hadn’t been quick enough to catch. Fantasies about Alison, Tess, Nathan. Time and again, Nathan. Nathan kissing him, sucking him, fucking him. Alison pregnant with Jack’s child.

Wait.

Jack goes still and silent.

Nathan vanishes.

It’s quiet again. For the first time in days it’s quiet. He is all alone in his head.

This is what he wanted: Nathan gone, temptation gone.

“Stark?” he calls out. His voice is hoarse. “Are you still here?”

No reply.

It should be better this way, but the bunker is too quiet.

“Stark?” he whispers.

Well shit.

He sits down, leaning against the wall.

He calls Henry. “Have the hallucination ray thingummies stopped?”

There is a pause as Henry asks around. “No, we’ve still got a couple here. Why?”

This time Jack pauses. “That’s a tiny bit complicated at the moment. He vanished.”

“What?”

“We had a fight and he vanished.”

Henry sighs. “Of course you did. If it is any sort of consolation, we’ve been running the numbers and it looks like we might have a way of bringing him back.”

He can’t quite bring himself to smile, but he comes close. “That is very good news.” He turns away from the phone and shouts, “You hear that, Nathan? We might be able to bring you back.” He turns back to the phone. “Just in case,” he murmurs.

“I’m sorry, Jack,” Henry says.

“Me too.”

He is still sitting there when Zoe gets home from school.

“You okay, Dad?” she asks, sitting down beside him.

He leans against her. “I’m fine.”

“Nathan still around?” He forgets how smart she is sometimes.

“Nope.” He didn’t intend to sound so dejected.

“Would you like a beer?”

“No thanks.”

“Want me to just sit here for a while?” she asks, putting an arm around him.

“That would be very nice. Unless you have homework?” He looks across at her.

“I can do it right here,” she says, using her foot to pull her bag over. She pulls out her notebook and leans back against him. “I’m good right here.”

He doesn’t know when she became an adult, but he knows then that she is one.

“Thanks, Zo,” he says, kissing the top of her head.

They sit there for a few hours, until Jack’s stomach starts to growl and S.A.R.A.H asks what they would like for dinner.

Zoe gives him a kiss on the cheek, and says, “I told Pilar I would go over to study. I can cancel if you want?”

“No, go have fun. I’m just moping, I’ll be fine. Be back before ten.”

“Sure thing, Dad.”

The door slamming shut seems incredibly loud.

“Just you and me, S.A.R.A.H,” he says to the bunker.

“Dinner will be ready soon, Sheriff. Would you like me to put a game on for you?”

And that’s it. At some point during the night, the signal that was causing the hallucinations stops.

Even if Nathan wants to come back, he can’t.

He is cold and alone, and that is Jack’s fault.

He honestly didn’t have a problem with gay people. He didn’t. He just didn’t want to be gay. Bisexual. Whatever.

It isn’t Nathan’s fault. Jack’s an adult, he should be able to deal with his crap by now, and not take it out on the nearest person.

“Nathan, if you can hear me, I’m really sorry.” He’s taken to just saying it to the air every so often, just in case Nathan can hear him.

He spends the next few days going through the motions. Eureka seems to mourn with him, as no one blows anything up and at no point does it look like the end of life on earth. Jo brings him a Vinspresso every morning. Every time Alison talks to him, she has a look he can’t quite understand in her eyes. Zoe is always home on time and oddly quiet.

He asks her about it one night. She smiles sadly and says, “You were like this after he died, you know.”

He doesn’t remember much of the weeks following Nathan’s “death”, but they must have been horrible for Zoe. “Sorry about that,” he says.

“No, it’s okay. I just mean-” she pauses for a moment, considering, “Whatever you guys are, or were, or whatever, I don’t mind. I just want you to be happy.”

There is a lump in his throat that prevents him from speaking. He pulls her in for a hug, murmuring his thanks into her hair.

It’s easier after that. He finally feels a relief, the guilt and the anger are gone. Now all he has is his loneliness. Even with Zoe’s blessing, it will still be a while before that eases.

He startles when his phone rings. It’s Henry. He takes a deep breath, and answers the phone.

“Jack, we’re ready to try it out. We think we’ve got the bugs worked out,” he says, breathless and excited.

A jolt of something runs down his spine. “I’ll be right there.”

He kisses Zoe good-bye, babbling something about having to go to GD. “S.A.R.A.H, Parental Mode 2,” he shouts as he runs out the door.

He pauses before he gets into the car. “You hear that, Nathan?” he shouts into the night. “We’re going to bring you back.” He probably broke a couple of road rules getting there, but no one saw so it’s all good.

He walks hurriedly through the halls of GD, trying not to look like he is panicking. Henry is waiting outside the lab for him. “Are you ready, Jack?” he asks seriously.

“As I’m ever going to be,” Jack replies.

“You know this probably won’t work, right? This is very experimental, and we have no proof that he isn’t actually dead.”

“He isn’t dead. He was living in my head for a week.” And he knows that maybe he wasn’t, but he needs this. He needs to believe this.

And the look Henry gives him says it all, really.

“Look, no, I know. He might have just been an hallucination. Maybe. But he wasn’t.”

“I need you to think about this seriously for a moment. Will you be okay if this doesn’t work? I can go in there and ask them to stop and they probably will.”

He thinks about it. Just for a second, he seriously thinks about it. But, on the off chance Nathan is cold and alone just out of sync with the world, he has to risk the hurt. And if this doesn’t work, it is going to hurt. “Let’s do this thing,” is all he says.

Henry nods once, then opens the door.

“Hi guys,” Jack says to Zane and Fargo. They only look up briefly, nodding in acknowledgement, before going back to their work.

“Are we ready?” he asks.

“Just a few more minutes, we’ve got a rogue variable that we aren’t sure about,” Zane says, not looking up.

“Right. I’m just going to stand here and not touch anything,” he says, stepping back from the console they had built.

He stands around awkwardly for almost half an hour. Every time he feels himself getting frustrated, he reminds himself why he’s here, and starts thinking about all the things he wants to say to Nathan when he’s back. He’ll open with ‘I’m sorry’ and go from there.

Then there is a _woop_.

He knows that smile; it’s Zane’s ‘I’m a rockstar’ smile on. That can only be a good sign.

“And now we are ready to rock and roll,” he crows.

Fargo flicks a switch, and everything goes purple.

They watch for a moment, as the purple light pulses around them. He can’t fight the disappointment that he can’t see anything happening. This is Eureka, it doesn’t matter how bad things get, they find a way to make it okay.

Except there is a shadow there that wasn’t there before.

It’s painful like nothing Nathan has ever experienced before; white hot agony as his body re-forms cell by cell, re-syncing with the world.

He can see the others now, like he hasn’t been able to since he died. They aren’t just flickering images, whirring around him. They are solid, and real. He could touch them.

Oh God, Jack is there waiting for him.

Then he feels the ground turn solid underneath is feet, and everything goes black.

Jack is hovering over him when he comes to. It is unnerving having him so close. And warm.

“I’m sorry,” he croaks, voice hoarse and scratchy.

Jack breaks out into a huge grin. “Yeah, me too. Why don’t we just declare it even?”

He smiles. It feels so strange, being back in a real flesh and blood body all his own. He stretches out all his muscles, feeling his joints pop, and it’s amazing. “I’m warm.” He can hear the wonder in his own voice, and it would embarrassing if it weren’t so wonderful.

Jack’s face twists into something sadder. He pulls Nathan up into a hug. “I really am sorry,” he whispers almost too quietly.

Nathan can’t quite believe it. Jack is right here and it’s more than he could have hoped for. “I’m back. It’s okay, we’ll be okay.” Jack’s face is wet and Henry, Fargo, and Zane have left the room.

“I’m working on it. I want to-”

Nathan cuts him off; he already knows everything he needs to. “Quiet now. I’m going to kiss you now, then I am going to kiss you some more. I’ve been inside your head, remember.”

Jack goes stiff and unresponsive in his arms as Nathan pulls him closer. He panics as time stretches and slows and Jack stays so still; he has pushed too hard and Jack didn’t want this as much as he thought, couldn’t work through his own issues enough to try whatever this was. Maybe they really are too broken to ever make this work. The ache of what might have been starts low in his belly; and it is too much regret for so fleeting a time. But then Jack has a hand fisted in his curls and he kisses Nathan like he will die if he stops.

They pull apart, their breath warm between them. “Sorry, slow learner,” Jack murmurs, fingers clenching and unfurling in Nathan’s hair.

Nathan marvels at the warmth of Jack’s breath against his face and the softness of the baby fine hair at the nape of Jack’s neck, and can’t find it in himself to care. So he kisses Jack again, and he comes willingly, eagerly this time.

And just for a moment, it is perfect.


End file.
